Smiling Inside

I’ve been learning a lot about myself lately. It’s amazing what you can learn when someone is suddenly paying attention and challenging your ways.

Last week I blogged about happiness and hope.

Happiness is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately…mostly because I have been happy.

A few years ago I went to a comedy club with some friends. When we left one of them asked if I had fun. I said that the comedian was pretty funny.

“But you didn’t even laugh.”

It dawned on me that I’m not very good at showing that type of emotion. I could really find something to be funny, but I would laugh inside.

Just like if I saw something worth smiling, I would just smile inside.

I didn’t have that physical release.

Why?

I think it could be that to show that emotion would be to open myself up too much. I like my masks.

They keep me safe.

Whether I have my earbuds in with no music; pretend talking on the phone; wearing sunglasses on cloudy days; or sarcasm, I use them all.

I’m good at deflecting a conversation to something else.

But that has been changing.

I have found someone where I want to laugh out loud.

I smile all the time – with my mouth.

When I say I’m happy, I’m not deflecting to avoid the truth.

She tells me almost every day that I deserve to be loved.

I’ve had a difficult time accepting that; but really, don’t we all deserve it?

Don’t we all deserve to be so happy that we can actually show it?

Right now I will smile for real just by reading a text. I even “lol”. Sometimes there may even be a snort mixed in there.

That release has been good for me.

Good for my soul.

I’m not coming out of my shell; I’m just enjoying the turtle life more.

What is Happiness?

I’ve been gone for a while.

Mentally.

Pressure kept building while I did my best to ignore it.

I stopped caring.

Stopped being happy.

Then someone took a tiny crowbar and entered my heart. Suddenly there was light on the horizon instead of the dark clouds that consumed me so intensely. Happiness once again warmed my skin. Love filled my pores. I realized I still had some purpose.

Sitting in the airport yesterday, she challenged me on something I said. She always challenges me.

It’s bittersweet.

Emotional.

I told her that she makes me want to be better. But did I really know what that meant? I said that I want to have the life where I can make someone else happy.

Seems easy enough, right?

She challenged me. “So for you, being better means making the people you love happy?”

At first I thought a simple, “Yes” was the answer. But I was boarding the plane and had a few minutes to think about it.

At what point does making someone “happy” destroy a relationship? Does it involve avoiding an argument just to make someone happy? Is it conceding just to avoid conversation? Is it the irrational belief that just by saying the right things everything will turn around and be ok?

Maybe I thought so. I’m not sure.

I would be challenged on that statement too.

Getting to my seat on the plane, I understood that’s not happiness.

It’s avoidance.

I’m good at avoiding. Diverting.

I’m happy when I can make someone happy, but not because I am looking for the things that make that person happy. I want happiness to be natural.

No, I NEED it to be natural. It gives me purpose. It gives me life. It gives me love.

Maybe I can overcome my struggles.

There is hope.

Hope.

Not just hope that I can “fix” something…hope that I don’t need to try to use happiness to fix the unfixable.

Hope.

Skipping Funerals

There are many things that my wife, the hippy, does as an extrovert that I just don’t understand.

Last week there was a fatal crash in town where a teenage female lost her life.

Tragic, no doubt.

I didn’t know her, nor do I know any of her family members that I know of.

She was the daughter of a friend of a friend of my wife. My wife had never met her. May have never met her parents either…she’s not sure. But when the name was released, my wife went into full emotional crisis mode.

She was calling up friends of hers to let them know the news. She was trying to find out when the funeral was going to be. She was doing everything someone would do who had ties to the family.

But she really doesn’t.

And this is not a unique circumstance.

She attends more funerals each year than I have attended in my entire life. It’s not that I don’t care; I just don’t want to go to a funeral for someone I don’t know. They are sad enough as is.

Plus, being the introvert I am, I don’t want to have a conversation begin with a family member or someone who truly cared for and loved the departed where it becomes obvious I didn’t know them.

I am uncomfortable attending birthday parties for people I don’t know. I am uncomfortable attending weddings for people I don’t know.

There should be no doubt that I would be uncomfortable attending a funeral for someone I don’t know.

Instead I will be leaving work early to pick my son up from school since my wife will be going.

Things I don’t like about extroverts

Im Introverted.com

As an introvert who just recently understood what the term means, I often wished I was more extroverted. However, as we don’t always get what we want in life, and almost everything in life is influenced by our temperaments, I have a hard time relating to some extroverts when

# They enter the room and immediately insist on getting one’s attention. My ex-roommate was like that.

# They think as they speak, unlike introverts who think before they speak, and as such say things that may be hurtful, which by the time they realize, if they do realize it, may be too late.

# They have a lot of energy which forces nearby introverts to keep up with them, thus draining our energy.

# They can be a bit insensitive because most of them are tough-skinned/easily brush things aside. Naturally, they think other people are like them and as such…

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Being an introvert.

simplyfearfully

“After an hour or two of being socially on, we introverts need to turn off and recharge… this isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of depression.” -Jonathan Rauch

Hey everyone! So this post is a little bit random and totally off topic to what I usually do, but its something that has been on my mind. I wanted to speak out to my fellow introverts out there. But also to those who are the complete opposite.

Okay, so what even is an introvert? According to Dictionary.com, an introvert isapersoncharacterizedbyconcernprimarilywithhisorherownthoughtsandfeelings”

Being one personally, I get comments a lot from family and friends such as “Briana is always in her room” or “Briana never likes to do anything”. And I would be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me sometimes. Why? Because it makes me…

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How to surf through an unending sea of depression

iamhappy

surfing

Given my experience as a depressed introvert for almost every moment of my life.I have learned to surf in these very difficult times almost alone. Fortunately or unfortunately i didn’t have anyone around me who understood my pain or anguish.It was a difficult time . To remember   those times itself is a pain staking experience.Given that i have learned a lot from my own mistakes. I learned these things at a heavy price. I would like to share some important points that i think will help someone who is also going through the same.(Note – i don’t know you,but neither you know yourself at this point of time if you are depressed )

Over a long period of time I believed in these ideas about living a life. I always felt at different point of time that these are all true and experienced it as facts .

1.My problem…

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Livin La Vida Lonely

Carrots Don't Scream When You Boil Them

“But you always look so happy,” I hear from across my vanilla latte at Starbucks. It’s a phrase I’ve heard a million times from a million different people; today, it’s coming from a friend at church.

“Just because I look happy doesn’t mean I am. And sometimes I am happy, but a lot of times, I’m lonely,” I reply; feeling vulnerable and a bit on the defensive.

Ah, the internal struggle of the introvert; needing time alone to recharge my batteries, but feeling terribly lonely at the same time.

This situation begs the question; “Can a person be happy and lonely at the same time?”

I consider myself a generally happy person. Not much in life gets me down. I am blessed to have a lot of good things in my life and I practice gratitude daily as a way to remind myself of all that I have.

But every…

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