I’ve been learning a lot about myself lately. It’s amazing what you can learn when someone is suddenly paying attention and challenging your ways.
Last week I blogged about happiness and hope.
Happiness is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately…mostly because I have been happy.
A few years ago I went to a comedy club with some friends. When we left one of them asked if I had fun. I said that the comedian was pretty funny.
“But you didn’t even laugh.”
It dawned on me that I’m not very good at showing that type of emotion. I could really find something to be funny, but I would laugh inside.
Just like if I saw something worth smiling, I would just smile inside.
I didn’t have that physical release.
I think it could be that to show that emotion would be to open myself up too much. I like my masks.
They keep me safe.
Whether I have my earbuds in with no music; pretend talking on the phone; wearing sunglasses on cloudy days; or sarcasm, I use them all.
I’m good at deflecting a conversation to something else.
But that has been changing.
I have found someone where I want to laugh out loud.
I smile all the time – with my mouth.
When I say I’m happy, I’m not deflecting to avoid the truth.
She tells me almost every day that I deserve to be loved.
I’ve had a difficult time accepting that; but really, don’t we all deserve it?
Don’t we all deserve to be so happy that we can actually show it?
Right now I will smile for real just by reading a text. I even “lol”. Sometimes there may even be a snort mixed in there.
That release has been good for me.
Good for my soul.
I’m not coming out of my shell; I’m just enjoying the turtle life more.