There I was, walking around Costco.
Since I wasn’t by myself, it was going to take much longer to shop.
No, I was with my Hippy wife and son, and also mother-in-law, father-in-law, and sister-in-law. They like shopping. In fact, they like shopping even if there is no intent to buy anything. Just get out and look around.
Not me. Apparently it showed.
“Are you bored yet?” the mother-in-law asked.
Before my filter turned on, I replied honestly, “Yes.”
You would have thought I told them over the loudspeaker (does Costco have one?) that I was having an affair. All eyes were on me (stupid filter needs to be faster) and the only person who didn’t look surprised, or hurt, or with lasers burning into me was the Hippy. She’s used to it.
“You don’t need to be here then.” I was told.
TRAP TRAP TRAP TRAP TRAP TRAP
I stayed. I acted “not bored.”
I’m a good actor.
Instead I concentrated on looking for people I might know so I could avoid eye contact with them.
I will say, though, that at least at Costco the employees don’t swarm around me asking if I need any help. Usually they are swarming to the food samples. Ok, that was probably an overgeneralization and if you are a Costco employee reading this I apologize.
But seriously, you don’t have to bump into me to get in front for that sample. I’m not grabbing one anyway.
Unless you are extremely attractive…you can bump into me. Ok, maybe not. I will overanalyze it and think that you are either hitting on me (zero chance of that) or I am being set up by the Hippy to see my uncomfortable reaction while she laughs inside.
And out loud.
And then posts it on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Pinterest, text, mass email, YouTube, and Ellen.
Screw this; I’m going to non-judgmental Amazon.
Great, they even approach me with recommendations.